‫‫‫‫So, what are we doing? ‫‫‫‫Are we just jumping right into this, or--
‫‫‫‫-Not literally, you ass! ‫‫‫‫-Ow! Ow! Will you--
‫‫‫‫-You scared me half to death! ‫‫‫‫-Ow! Damn it!
‫‫‫‫-You idiot! ‫‫‫‫-Ow! Stop it!
‫‫‫‫What is your-- Ow! ‫‫‫‫[Charlotte huffs]
‫‫‫‫I would like a drink, please.
‫‫‫‫Ow. Join this great new club.
‫‫‫‫Brandy, if you have it.
‫‫‫‫Fresh out, turns out.
‫‫‫‫Good Lord.
‫‫‫‫You should have your under-butler ‫‫‫‫fire the housekeeper.
‫‫‫‫Yeah, maybe after he's done ‫‫‫‫getting the caviar stains out of my spats.
‫‫‫‫I was being facetious, Mr. Archer.
‫‫‫‫-I-- ‫‫‫‫-I know you're poor.
‫‫‫‫Well, middle class.
‫‫‫‫This cannot be the middle.
‫‫‫‫-Look, Miss... ‫‫‫‫-VanderTunt.
‫‫‫‫Heiress to the vast ‫‫‫‫VanderTunt publishing fortune.
‫‫‫‫Right... So, I've had a long day.
‫‫‫‫[gulping]
‫‫‫‫My partner was murdered, ‫‫‫‫my office was burgled,
‫‫‫‫I pissed off two crime bosses ‫‫‫‫and a dirty cop,
‫‫‫‫and crushed the ankles of a psychopath ‫‫‫‫who, just for kicks, melts people.
‫‫‫‫So, as much as I would genuinely like to,
‫‫‫‫I'm afraid I don't have time to kill you.
‫‫‫‫You misunderstand me, Mr. Archer.
‫‫‫‫I want you to help me fake my death.
‫‫‫‫For which I am prepared ‫‫‫‫to offer you $10,000.
‫‫‫‫-Oh. ‫‫‫‫-And my body.
‫‫‫‫The ten grand is plenty.
‫‫‫‫I'm afraid this is non-negotiable.
‫‫‫‫[rips]
‫‫‫‫[whispers] Do your worst.
‫‫‫‫[chuckles]
‫‫‫‫I will.
‫‫‫‫[theme music playing]
‫‫‫‫[scoffs]
‫‫‫‫So, when I said, "Do your worst..." ‫‫‫‫[Archer zips up]
‫‫‫‫[chuckling] I... I know. Sorry. Long day.
‫‫‫‫Uh, plus my ear hurts. ‫‫‫‫[Charlotte gasps]
‫‫‫‫[in singsong voice] I have codeine!
‫‫‫‫[Archer] Because heirs ‫‫‫‫to fortunes like your family's
‫‫‫‫don't fake their own deaths.
‫‫‫‫They murder their parents and blame it ‫‫‫‫on some poor Hispanic or Negro.
‫‫‫‫Yes, I thought about that,
‫‫‫‫but I don't know any Hispanics or Negroes.
‫‫‫‫No, they make up the Hispanic or Negro.
‫‫‫‫I honestly wouldn't know where to begin.
‫‫‫‫Okay, but-- [chews] ‫‫‫‫Boy, these are good.
‫‫‫‫-Mmm! Aren't they? ‫‫‫‫-Zesty.
‫‫‫‫But putting aside, for now, ‫‫‫‫why you'd want to fake your own death--
‫‫‫‫Because I have to get away from my family.
‫‫‫‫They're a seething cauldron ‫‫‫‫of neurotic, alcoholic,
‫‫‫‫narcissistic, quasi-incestuous ‫‫‫‫megalomaniacs!
‫‫‫‫How quasi?
‫‫‫‫[sighs] I don't know. A four?
‫‫‫‫-Out of what? ‫‫‫‫-Are you going to help me or not?
‫‫‫‫I... Look, I really don't think ‫‫‫‫you've thought this thing through.
‫‫‫‫Mmm. For starters,
‫‫‫‫even if you pull this off, ‫‫‫‫what are you gonna do for money?
‫‫‫‫Well, I... I shall work, of course.
‫‫‫‫[chuckles] As what?
‫‫‫‫Uh, one of those.
‫‫‫‫A... food-perambulator.
‫‫‫‫[laughs] Well, my apologies.
‫‫‫‫I thought you were heading ‫‫‫‫into this half-cocked.
‫‫‫‫Said the pot to the kettle. [giggles]
‫‫‫‫My ear hurt!
‫‫‫‫Well, you're not some runaway kid
‫‫‫‫whose family couldn't care less ‫‫‫‫she's gone.
‫‫‫‫They're gonna be looking for you.
‫‫‫‫So, to make this work, you'd need a body.
‫‫‫‫And not just any body. ‫‫‫‫A body your same size,
‫‫‫‫same height and weight, ‫‫‫‫your same general bone structure.
‫‫‫‫A body-- I mean, if you're gonna do ‫‫‫‫what has to be done here,
‫‫‫‫a body with your exact same ‫‫‫‫dental records.
‫‫‫‫[squealing]
‫‫‫‫[Charlotte laughing hysterically]
‫‫‫‫Who is that?
‫‫‫‫I don't know! [laughing]
‫‫‫‫-I mean, obviously she's a maid. ‫‫‫‫-[sarcastically] Really?
‫‫‫‫-I just don't know her name, because-- ‫‫‫‫-She's a maid?
‫‫‫‫Obviously.
‫‫‫‫Did you kill her?
‫‫‫‫What-- No! Jesus! [scoffs]
‫‫‫‫My brother did. [exhales deeply]
‫‫‫‫Well, technically, I suppose ‫‫‫‫the drunken abortionist did.
‫‫‫‫But my brother got her pregnant, ‫‫‫‫in the first place.
‫‫‫‫And my father would've killed her
‫‫‫‫if she had refused ‫‫‫‫to get an abortion, so...
‫‫‫‫-But, I mean, not really? ‫‫‫‫-Really.
‫‫‫‫Why do you think my father started ‫‫‫‫the Spanish-American War?
‫‫‫‫Wasn't it sugar?
‫‫‫‫He got my aunt pregnant.
‫‫‫‫And sugar?
‫‫‫‫I guess. I don't know. Shut up!
‫‫‫‫[sighs] The point is ‫‫‫‫this poor girl was dead
‫‫‫‫the minute her panties hit the straw.
‫‫‫‫-The-- ‫‫‫‫-In the stables.
‫‫‫‫-Ah. ‫‫‫‫-But want to know the best part?
‫‫‫‫-That wasn't it? ‫‫‫‫-Look!
‫‫‫‫What are you-- Uh, no, don't!
‫‫‫‫[in mock voice] ‫‫‫‫Not one cavity. Not one filling!
‫‫‫‫Since when and how do you know that?
‫‫‫‫Don't you see?
‫‫‫‫Her teeth are perfect. ‫‫‫‫My teeth are perfect.
‫‫‫‫Ergo, this plan is perfect!
‫‫‫‫I mean, dentally, maybe, ‫‫‫‫but if she just disappears?
‫‫‫‫Think of her family.
‫‫‫‫Do you think I haven't? [body thuds]
‫‫‫‫-Yes. ‫‫‫‫-What?
‫‫‫‫I think you haven't.
‫‫‫‫[sighs] If you help me do this,
‫‫‫‫I'll make an anonymous payment ‫‫‫‫to her family for an additional $10,000.
‫‫‫‫Um, how does that bring them closure?
‫‫‫‫[scoffs] It comes with a note ‫‫‫‫saying she's dead.
‫‫‫‫Look, nothing we can do ‫‫‫‫will bring this poor girl back to life.
‫‫‫‫I know, but--
‫‫‫‫Not even a voodoo priestess, ‫‫‫‫flown here from Haiti at great expense,
‫‫‫‫and then every year on Grandma's birthday, ‫‫‫‫they throw it in your face!
‫‫‫‫-Uh... ‫‫‫‫-So the best thing we can do now...
‫‫‫‫is to fill this car ‫‫‫‫to the rafters with dynamite,
‫‫‫‫and shove it over a cliff.
‫‫‫‫[chuckles] That is literally ‫‫‫‫the worst thing we can do.
‫‫‫‫Oh, right. [sighs]
‫‫‫‫Dynamite would blow her teeth ‫‫‫‫all over the stupid beach.
‫‫‫‫-Well, and-- ‫‫‫‫-And then what's the point?
‫‫‫‫[crunching]
‫‫‫‫Exactly.
‫‫‫‫[Archer] So we'll fake the crash tonight,
‫‫‫‫but first, we're gonna plant a few seeds.
‫‫‫‫[scoffs] First of all, ‫‫‫‫if I wanted your seed--
‫‫‫‫Seeds of deception.
‫‫‫‫Oh, sorry. I thought you meant--
‫‫‫‫I know what you meant.
‫‫‫‫What in God's name are you doing?
‫‫‫‫-Scrooching down. ‫‫‫‫-Well, stop it!
‫‫‫‫-Stop that this instant! ‫‫‫‫-You stop--
‫‫‫‫Shut up. I don't want anybody ‫‫‫‫in Dreamland to see me.
‫‫‫‫Well, I don't want anyone to see me ‫‫‫‫being chauffeured by a dwarf!
‫‫‫‫Yeah. Then we'd have to find a dead dwarf ‫‫‫‫and a tiny chauffeur uniform.
‫‫‫‫-Why? ‫‫‫‫-To... Oh, never mind.
‫‫‫‫But she can't be dressed like a maid, ‫‫‫‫so we need to put her in your clothes.
‫‫‫‫[gasps] Right! ‫‫‫‫Then we should go to my hotel.
‫‫‫‫Which is...
‫‫‫‫Um... Nice?
‫‫‫‫-[bangs head] Where... ‫‫‫‫-Oh!
‫‫‫‫...is your hotel?
‫‫‫‫The Chesley, on Sunset.
‫‫‫‫That wasn't so hard, was it?
‫‫‫‫[snorting chuckle] That's what I said.
‫‫‫‫[Charlotte guffawing] ‫‫‫‫[Archer groans]
‫‫‫‫[Dutch crying]
‫‫‫‫[Trexler] Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on.
‫‫Where's my tough guy?
‫‫‫‫Huh? Where's my tough old Dutch?
‫‫‫‫[sniffles]
‫‫‫‫There he is.
‫‫‫‫-Huh? Now listen. ‫‫‫‫-[Dutch sniffling]
‫‫‫‫Shut up and listen to me, okay?
‫‫‫‫-Because I know... ‫‫‫‫-[Dutch stifles sob]
‫‫‫‫I know this isn't, you know, ideal,
‫‫‫‫but you gotta pull yourself together!
‫‫‫‫-[sobbing uncontrollably] ‫‫‫‫-No, no. I'm sorry.
‫‫‫‫That was a poor choice of words, ‫‫‫‫but for Christ's sake, man.
‫‫‫‫There's two dead men walking around there ‫‫‫‫who stole from me...
‫‫‫‫-[Dutch crying softly] ‫‫‫‫-i.e, my whores,
‫‫‫‫and from you, i.e, your feet!
‫‫‫‫And you are gonna find them,
‫‫‫‫and you are gonna bring them to me,
‫‫‫‫and then I'm gonna make them wish ‫‫‫‫they were in hell...
‫‫‫‫with a case of the clap!
‫‫‫‫How can I? [sniffles]
‫‫‫‫They took my feet, Lenny.
‫‫‫‫They took my feet! [cries loudly]
‫‫‫‫[sniffles] Ow.
‫‫‫‫-Ow! ‫‫‫‫-Shut up.
‫‫‫‫-[dial tone] ‫‫‫‫-Sorry.
‫‫‫‫I don't pay you to be sorry.
‫‫‫‫I pay you to make other people sorry.
‫‫‫‫Now here. ‫‫‫‫[line ringing]
‫‫‫‫Do what he tells you.
‫‫‫‫What who tells me?
‫‫‫‫The guy that's gonna fix you.
‫‫‫‫[man] Hello?
‫‫‫‫Who is it?
‫‫‫‫Where did you get the number from?
‫‫‫‫-[Archer] What? ‫‫‫‫-[Charlotte] Absolutely not!
‫‫‫‫Why not?
‫‫‫‫I'm not gonna stuff
‫‫‫‫that poor girl into my clothes ‫‫‫‫in the trunk of a car
‫‫‫‫like so much... forcemeat!
‫‫‫‫-So much what? ‫‫‫‫-Forcemeat.
‫‫‫‫Such as one might find ‫‫‫‫in a quenelle, roulade, or galantine.
‫‫‫‫[scoffs] Well, ‫‫‫‫now you're just being obtuse.
‫‫‫‫-I'm being obtuse? ‫‫‫‫-Yes.
‫‫‫‫As opposed to you,
‫‫‫‫who wants to parade a corpse ‫‫‫‫through a hotel lobby,
‫‫‫‫just so you can dress her in your room?
‫‫‫‫Well, I'd hardly call this a parade--
‫‫‫‫-[man] Oh, good morning, Miss VanderTunt. ‫‫‫‫-[both gasp]
‫‫‫‫Can I... help you?
‫‫‫‫[in a shrill voice] ‫‫‫‫No. We're fine. No, thank you.
‫‫‫‫My maid, whose name is, um...
‫‫‫‫Bernice? Somewhat, obviously.
‫‫‫‫Bernice! Yes, Bernice.
‫‫‫‫And she was dead drunk ‫‫‫‫in a nearby saloon.
‫‫‫‫Poor thing. [chuckles]
‫‫‫‫The curse of the Irish, and so forth.
‫‫‫‫Ah, jeez. Well, let's get her inside.
‫‫‫‫No! Oh, no. Thank you. Thank you. ‫‫‫‫[chuckles nervously]
‫‫‫‫-No. We'll use this one. ‫‫‫‫-No, no, no.
‫‫‫‫-That... That one's good. Let's-- ‫‫‫‫-No, this one!
‫‫‫‫No! We are not going through ‫‫‫‫a revolving door with Bernice.
‫‫‫‫But it wastes so much ‫‫‫‫less air conditioning than a regular door.
‫‫‫‫The regular door is wide-ass open!
‫‫‫‫Oh, right.
‫‫‫‫Well, then, what's the point?
‫‫‫‫Exactly.
‫‫‫‫[elevator bell dings]
‫‫‫‫Honestly, I don't know ‫‫‫‫why you're so angry.
‫‫‫‫Which, I think, is why I'm so angry. ‫‫‫‫[elevator bell dings]
‫‫‫‫And I can see why you would be.
‫‫‫‫[Trexler] Oh, yeah?
‫‫‫‫I mean, you don't think ‫‫‫‫I'm being unreasonable?
‫‫‫‫No! I mean, no. I mean... ‫‫‫‫[chuckles nervously]
‫‫‫‫Because not only did I pay a lot of money
‫‫‫‫for those magical disappearing whores,
‫‫‫‫I also paid you a lot of money.
‫‫‫‫Well, yes, but that was...
‫‫‫‫I mean, that was more ‫‫‫‫to look the other way, so--
‫‫‫‫Figuratively!
‫‫‫‫Not literally,
‫‫‫‫while those assholes were taking my load!
‫‫‫‫[snickering]
‫‫‫‫[clears throat]
‫‫‫‫Do you have a cat? I smell dander.
‫‫‫‫Now, you listen to me, Figgis, ‫‫‫‫you schnorrer.
‫‫‫‫You're gonna find my whores,
‫‫‫‫and you are gonna find the bastards ‫‫‫‫who took my whores,
‫‫‫‫and crippled my right-hand man, or--
‫‫‫‫Or... I'm just spitballing here...
‫‫‫‫What if I just gave you back the money?
‫‫‫‫[yells] Because I do not want the money!
‫‫‫‫That is why I exchanged the money ‫‫‫‫for goods and/or services,
‫‫‫‫which is the core concept of economics.
‫‫‫‫Isn't it sugar?
‫‫‫‫Or, like, scarcity... of sugar?
‫‫‫‫You got one week, Figgis. Or else.
‫‫‫‫Wow. Goosebumps.
‫‫‫‫A week?
‫‫‫‫How in the risen Christ ‫‫‫‫am I supposed to find them...
‫‫‫‫-in a week? ‫‫‫‫-I--
‫‫‫‫I don't even know where to think ‫‫‫‫about thinking to start looking!
‫‫‫‫-[women chattering in Chinese] ‫‫‫‫-Okay, okay! Okay!
‫‫‫‫Okay! Goddamn it! ‫‫‫‫[chattering stops]
‫‫‫‫Okay. I gotta go to work, ‫‫‫‫but I'll be back tonight.
‫‫‫‫And when I get back,
‫‫‫‫I wouldn't mind if the place smelled ‫‫‫‫like Lemon Pledge and orange chicken.
‫‫‫‫Mmm... maybe Chinatown?
‫‫‫‫Oh, yeah. Hey, and while we're at it, ‫‫‫‫why not regular China?
‫‫‫‫Or maybe Sarcastic Island, ‫‫‫‫off the coast of That Was Uncalled For.
‫‫‫‫-Will you shut up? ‫‫‫‫-Gladly.
‫‫‫‫And then ask yourself...
‫‫‫‫cui bono?
‫‫‫‫[Archer] What?
‫‫‫‫I said, "Why was your office ransacked?"
‫‫‫‫Because somebody killed my partner,
‫‫‫‫and he left an envelope ‫‫‫‫full of clues in the safe.
‫‫‫‫-Why on earth would he do that? ‫‫‫‫-What?
‫‫‫‫No, not the killer, my--
‫‫‫‫And what on earth are you doing?
‫‫‫‫Trying to offset some of the blue.
‫‫‫‫She looks like a... a rodeo clown.
‫‫‫‫You've clearly never been to a rodeo.
‫‫‫‫Must you rob this poor girl ‫‫‫‫of her very last shred of dignity?
‫‫‫‫You did that!
‫‫‫‫You did that when you stuffed her ‫‫‫‫in the trunk of your Rolls-Royce,
‫‫‫‫you spoiled little--
‫‫‫‫[muffled grunting]
‫‫‫‫-Wait. Really? ‫‫‫‫-Mmm!
‫‫‫‫[ripping] ‫‫‫‫[Charlotte gasps] Oh!
‫‫‫‫Okay.
‫‫‫‫[moaning]
‫‫‫‫[unzips pants]
‫‫‫‫Oh! Cover her face.
‫‫‫‫[chuckling] What?
‫‫‫‫[quietly] I don't want her watching us.
‫‫‫‫[chuckles] Oh. Okay.
‫‫‫‫[Charlotte] So...
‫‫‫‫why did someone murder your partner?
‫‫‫‫That's what I'm trying to find out.
‫‫‫‫Really?
‫‫‫‫I would think who ‫‫‫‫is much more important than why.
‫‫‫‫-I-- ‫‫‫‫-Because if you found out who killed him,
‫‫‫‫you could make them tell you why.
‫‫‫‫Wow, you're a regular Monsieur--
‫‫‫‫And last night,
‫‫‫‫whoever, or whoevers, ‫‫‫‫broke into your office
‫‫‫‫presumably knew you'd be elsewhere.
‫‫‫‫I... Huh?
‫‫‫‫So, who knew you wouldn't be there?
‫‫‫‫Well, I mean, it was late at night.
‫‫‫‫There was no reason for anybody ‫‫‫‫to think I would be at the office, so...
‫‫‫‫[Poovey] Ya lost me.
‫‫‫‫[Figgis] "Cui bono," you dummy.
‫‫‫‫It's Latin. It means "to whose profit."
‫‫‫‫So?
‫‫‫‫So, who knew you wouldn't be there?
‫‫‫‫So, you big ox, when Trexler loses...
‫‫‫‫who gains?
‫‫‫‫[Charlotte] ‫‫‫‫Oh, come now. Don't be such a pout.
‫‫‫‫I think getting Bernice through the lobby
‫‫‫‫went about as well ‫‫‫‫as could reasonably be expected.
‫‫‫‫[clattering]
‫‫‫‫[dog whimpering]
‫‫‫‫[groaning]
‫‫‫‫[Archer clears throat]
‫‫‫‫Sorry.
‫‫‫‫-Besides, if-- ‫‫‫‫-If you don't shut your fat mouth,
‫‫‫‫it's gonna be you going over ‫‫‫‫that goddamn cliff instead of Bernice!
‫‫‫‫Please! Then you'd never get paid.
‫‫‫‫[tires screeching]
‫‫‫‫It would be worth it.
‫‫‫‫What's this? Why have we stopped?
‫‫‫‫To get some answers. ‫‫‫‫I won't be long. Stay here.
‫‫‫‫I shall do nothing of the sort.
‫‫‫‫[Archer sighs] ‫‫‫‫Of course, you shalln't.
‫‫‫‫Why, the very idea,
‫‫‫‫sitting in a car in the street ‫‫‫‫like some sort of--
‫‫‫‫Dirty cop.
‫‫‫‫Well, or any tradesman, really.
‫‫‫‫-[shrieks] Oh! ‫‫‫‫-I need you to stop talking.
‫‫‫‫And when we get in there,
‫‫‫‫I need you to continue ‫‫‫‫to stop talking to anybody.
‫‫‫‫You're hurting me! [whimpers]
‫‫‫‫And it's the highlight of my day.
‫‫‫‫Oh, crap!
‫‫‫‫What would that be in Newton meter?
‫‫‫‫-[Archer] Do what? ‫‫‫‫-What?
‫‫‫‫-What do you want?
‫‫‫‫Couple minutes with Mother.
‫‫‫‫[scoffs] Knock yourself out.
‫‫‫‫[Malory] Well, I'm sorry I can't be ‫‫‫‫of more help to you, Lieutenant, but--
‫‫‫‫"Can't" and "won't" ‫‫‫‫are two very different things, Mother.
‫‫‫‫And yet the end result is still the same.
‫‫‫‫-Why, Mr. Archer. ‫‫‫‫-Mother.
‫‫‫‫-Archer. ‫‫‫‫-Figgis.
‫‫‫‫-Archer. ‫‫‫‫-Poovey. You look like shit.
‫‫‫‫[sighs] Couldn't sleep.
‫‫‫‫Noisy house guests.
‫‫‫‫What do you mean "house guests"?
‫‫‫‫[chuckles] Wouldn't they be cave guests?
‫‫‫‫[rim-shot]
‫‫‫‫-[man] Stop it! ‫‫‫‫-What are you doing here, anyway?
‫‫‫‫I heard they did a nice wedge salad.
‫‫‫‫Ooh. We don't.
‫‫‫‫-[dejectedly] Aww. ‫‫‫‫-And now that we've settled that,
‫‫‫‫if you two will please excuse us?
‫‫‫‫Okay, Mother, ‫‫‫‫but remember what I told you.
‫‫‫‫Remember what I told you.
‫‫‫‫[snickers, sniffs]
‫‫‫‫It is just Dandertown Frolics.
‫‫‫‫Move, dick!
‫‫‫‫Slang for "detective," so not an insult!
‫‫‫‫What is insulting is that you've kept me ‫‫‫‫waiting for ten hours.
‫‫‫‫I... Sorry. I've had a busy day.
‫‫‫‫[Malory] I'll bet. I've had ‫‫‫‫quite a busy day myself,
‫‫‫‫trying to shut down rumors
‫‫‫‫I had anything to do with that bloodbath ‫‫‫‫down in Long Beach.
‫‫‫‫I wouldn't say "bloodbath."
‫‫‫‫Although, now that I come to think of it,
‫‫‫‫the easiest thing would be to just ‫‫‫‫tell Len Trexler it was you. [scoffs]
‫‫‫‫That would be pretty easy.
‫‫‫‫But I have another job for you.
‫‫‫‫-Great. ‫‫‫‫-Come back at midnight.
‫‫‫‫I'll give you the details.
‫‫‫‫And don't be late again.
‫‫‫‫Um, okay.
‫‫‫‫Anything else?
‫‫‫‫Well, uh, it's just that ‫‫‫‫while I was down in Long Beach,
‫‫‫‫somebody broke into my office ‫‫‫‫and tossed the place.
‫‫‫‫-And? ‫‫‫‫-And...
‫‫‫‫Well, I mean, it's just...
‫‫‫‫not many people knew I wouldn't be there.
‫‫‫‫In your office, late at night?
‫‫‫‫-Yes. ‫‫‫‫-And?
‫‫‫‫And I... will see you at midnight.
‫‫‫‫No, it's just, ‫‫‫‫what's a society dame like you
‫‫‫‫doing in a place like this?
‫‫‫‫Leaving it. Let's go.
‫‫‫‫-What-- Rude! ‫‫‫‫-Bernice is waiting.
‫‫‫‫Oh, right.
‫‫‫‫[gasps] Miss Kane!
‫‫‫‫-Archer. ‫‫‫‫-Wow.
‫‫‫‫Fancy meeting you here, huh?
‫‫‫‫At my job?
‫‫‫‫Yeah. I mean, what are the odds?
‫‫‫‫One to one?
‫‫‫‫[hoarsely] Yeah. I don't know. Maybe.
‫‫‫‫So, um...
‫‫‫‫Yeah. So, uh, okay.
‫‫‫‫See... See ya around, or--
‫‫‫‫[gasps] Oh, my God! ‫‫‫‫You have a crush on her!
‫‫‫‫-What? No I don't. I-- ‫‫‫‫-Yes, you do!
‫‫‫‫That was the cutest thing!
‫‫‫‫And...
‫‫‫‫I think she has a crush on you.
‫‫‫‫No, she-- Wait. Really?
‫‫‫‫Absolutely!
‫‫‫‫Why... Why... Why do you think that?
‫‫‫‫-Did she-- ‫‫‫‫-Just admit that you like her.
‫‫‫‫-Well, yeah. I mean, of course, I-- ‫‫‫‫-Hey! Yeah.
‫‫‫‫Me and him? We just fucked!
‫‫‫‫What is wrong with you?
‫‫‫‫Well, for one thing, ‫‫‫‫I may be literally starving to death.
‫‫‫‫[gasps] Clams!
‫‫‫‫-What? ‫‫‫‫-Oh!
‫‫‫‫We should stop for fried clams ‫‫‫‫at one of those darling little shacks.
‫‫‫‫[Archer] ‫‫‫‫We're not stopping for fried clams.
‫‫‫‫There is a dead woman in the trunk!
‫‫‫‫Well, obviously, I meant after.
‫‫‫‫Also, I think we're being followed.
‫‫‫‫What? We're not being followed.
‫‫‫‫There aren't any headlights back there.
‫‫‫‫I think their headlights are off.
‫‫‫‫No, they're not, because it's pitch dark,
‫‫‫‫and we're not being followed!
‫‫‫‫I think we're being followed.
‫‫‫‫[screams hoarsely] ‫‫‫‫We're not being followed!
‫‫‫‫And also, how have you not been murdered?
‫‫‫‫I think we're being-- ‫‫‫‫[tires screeching]
‫‫‫‫We are not being followed!
‫‫‫‫I am a trained private investigator!
‫‫‫‫If we were being followed, ‫‫‫‫I would know it!
‫‫‫‫Fine. Then drive.
‫‫‫‫Actually, we're here.
‫‫‫‫Sorry, Bernice. Won't be long.
‫‫‫‫Okay.
‫‫‫‫So, I'm gonna soak ‫‫‫‫the upholstery with gas,
‫‫‫‫set a 20-second cordite fuse,
‫‫‫‫then we'll put Bernice ‫‫‫‫in the driver's seat,
‫‫‫‫jam a rock on the accelerator,
‫‫‫‫light the fuse, and then slam it--
‫‫‫‫[Archer grunts] ‫‫‫‫[Charlotte screams]
‫‫‫‫[tires screeching]
‫‫‫‫[screams] Archer!
‫‫‫‫[Archer groaning] ‫‫‫‫[Charlotte shushing]
‫‫‫‫[groaning continues]
‫‫‫‫Shh!
‫‫‫‫Calm down. ‫‫‫‫You are not in danger any longer.
‫‫‫‫What-- [mutters] ‫‫‫‫[gunshots]
‫‫‫‫[woman screaming] ‫‫‫‫[man yelling]
‫‫‫‫Sorry! Our headlights don't work! ‫‫‫‫[bullet zings]
‫‫‫‫[tires squealing]
‫‫‫‫[blows]
‫‫‫‫[cackles]
‫‫‫‫[laughing maniacally]
‫‫‫‫So, you're just straight-up crazy.
‫‫‫‫-[blows raspberry] ‫‫‫‫-Ow. [groans]
‫‫‫‫Well? Are we doing this, or what?
‫‫‫‫Because if I don't get some clams soon, ‫‫‫‫I won't be responsible for my actions.
‫‫‫‫What? I told you we were being followed.
‫‫‫‫[grunts] That was just a car ‫‫‫‫with broken headlights.
‫‫‫‫It was a coincidence.
‫‫‫‫[grunts]
‫‫‫‫Because we weren't being followed!
‫‫‫‫[engine revs]
‫‫‫‫[sighs]
‫‫‫‫Goddamn it.
‫‫‫‫Hello!
‫‫‫‫[theme music playing]
‫‫‫‫[man] Made in Georgia.